Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm fucking your sister right now.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section