The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
nutella sex= disaster
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I just cut my nipple shaving
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.