i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.