we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?