hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"