The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i dont even know how to be here
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?