He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
He's been sleeping iwht ***
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.