I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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