I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
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there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
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Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
This is sufficient.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Barsexuality is the new black.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Girls should come with a carfax report
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick