You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
i dont even know how to be here
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I checked into jail on foursquare
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?