he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
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It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I spit up blood this morning
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive