So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
