ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.