there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.