we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.