Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.