I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Wipe that smile off your face.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"