dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
we have pet lesbian snakes
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.