i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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