I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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