There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
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so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top