Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...