you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Four minutes until I can fart!
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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