I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
This is sufficient.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
This house was built for laser tag.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed