I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
We need to rekindle our bromance
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
I am full of burrito and curiosity
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Dignity is for republicans.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
someone owes me an orgasm
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
its not stalking. its research.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?