I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...