DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
false alarm. still invincible.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
How drunk are you??
im so drunk with asians
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
everyone is single if you try hard enough
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
This is not my ceiling
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
... don't judge me
where am i from again
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.