when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.