the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Women Are Tweeting Photos Of Their Underwear To Support Rape Victim Whose Thong Was Cited During Trial
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
21 ‘Don’t Say It’ Tweets That Are Gonna Get Said Every Damn Time
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward