She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.