his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
I told him it was alright.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Banned from zoo.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
sarcasm needs its own font
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
I'm fucking your sister right now.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.