is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
