Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday