Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.