On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
she pinky promised me she was 18
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas