I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up