are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.