You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
