ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
just found the deal breaker
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I think my fart just growled at me.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.