So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
the vacuum is drunk
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I cannot find my penis.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls