Why is there bacon braided in my hair
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree