I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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