I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
are you so shy because you have an std?
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.