Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you