He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
