Texts From Last Night

homecomingsex123's Favorites Texts:

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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.

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  (814): bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles. http://tfl.nu/uozt
  Replies (11) Good night (2565) Bad night (646)
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.

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  (512): I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend. http://tfl.nu/57u1
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best

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  (847): I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best http://tfl.nu/7i53
  Replies (7) Good night (1938) Bad night (1151)
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

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  (208): U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!" http://tfl.nu/ttkj
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  (360): View more from Washington

  i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew

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  (360): i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew http://tfl.nu/ocbg
  Replies (45) Good night (23505) Bad night (918) Order T-Shirt
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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  (612): You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast. http://tfl.nu/3zo3
  Replies (47) Good night (28689) Bad night (1086) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  dude. I'm so drunk.

  (972): View more from Texas

  pete, this is bryce's mom

  (214): View more from Texas

  I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

  (972): View more from Texas

  pete, this is still bryce's mom

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  (214): dude. I'm so drunk. (972): pete, this is bryce's mom (214): I can't wait to have my cock in your ass (972): pete, this is still bryce's mom http://tfl.nu/lat0
  Replies (180) Good night (36537) Bad night (5023)
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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  (604): She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking. http://tfl.nu/ilmx
  Replies (111) Good night (50737) Bad night (1681) Order T-Shirt
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  (352): View more from Florida

  i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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  (352): i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE http://tfl.nu/5phb
  Replies (184) Good night (51673) Bad night (2294)
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
  Replies (297) Good night (73546) Bad night (2506) Order T-Shirt
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  (631): View more from New York

  im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets

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  (631): im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets http://tfl.nu/3y00
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

  (718): View more from New York

  pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

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  (203): there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them (718): pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed http://tfl.nu/7id4
  Replies (31) Good night (11186) Bad night (943)
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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  (928): Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex". http://tfl.nu/7v4e
  Replies (56) Good night (30164) Bad night (1425) Order T-Shirt
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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  (970): I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar. (303): Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick. http://tfl.nu/w6wy
  Replies (111) Good night (38496) Bad night (3097)
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.

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  (734): I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians. http://tfl.nu/rppl
  Replies (118) Good night (37865) Bad night (1308)
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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  (541): So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward http://tfl.nu/dpap
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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  (617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend. (508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me. http://tfl.nu/ho6s
  Replies (188) Good night (56952) Bad night (4713)
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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  (847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out. http://tfl.nu/gev3
  Replies (508) Good night (86212) Bad night (8428)
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  (646): View more from New York

  Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.

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  (646): Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself. http://tfl.nu/w0yt
  Replies (20) Good night (6712) Bad night (600) Order T-Shirt
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life

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  (480): p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life http://tfl.nu/eu21
  Replies (24) Good night (4859) Bad night (636) Order T-Shirt
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...

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  (817): Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch... http://tfl.nu/5oqr
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.

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  (201): You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn. http://tfl.nu/vn8h
  Replies (12) Good night (3340) Bad night (901) Order T-Shirt
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases

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  (724): Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases http://tfl.nu/ns4i
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".

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  (302): He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice". http://tfl.nu/55zb
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.

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  (773): I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier. http://tfl.nu/mu3y
  Replies (36) Good night (1176) Bad night (7318) Order T-Shirt
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  (587): View more from Alberta

  The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.

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  (587): The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll. http://tfl.nu/pn3x
  Replies (19) Good night (2659) Bad night (782) Order T-Shirt
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.

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  (225): You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night. http://tfl.nu/uygn
  Replies (6) Good night (3534) Bad night (843) Order T-Shirt
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  (707): View more from California

  He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.

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  (707): He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love. http://tfl.nu/ve7z
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.

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  (971): I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer. http://tfl.nu/l4im
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"

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  (419): Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?" http://tfl.nu/fz6y
  Replies (26) Good night (873) Bad night (4441) Order T-Shirt
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.

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  (601): I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise. http://tfl.nu/o61x
  Replies (32) Good night (5360) Bad night (870) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.

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  (781): I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy. http://tfl.nu/bakf
  Replies (43) Good night (2242) Bad night (7337) Order T-Shirt
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  (510): View more from California

  Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting

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  (510): Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting http://tfl.nu/1alo
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much

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  (248): today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much http://tfl.nu/3dmn
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?

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  (832): Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him? http://tfl.nu/7fnz
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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  (203): I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter. http://tfl.nu/8kyg
  Replies (289) Good night (62332) Bad night (4293)
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.

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  (617): When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner. http://tfl.nu/g7ai
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?

  (1-814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.

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  (814): Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight? (1-814): I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me. http://tfl.nu/ovto
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"

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  (210): Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!" http://tfl.nu/xp9i
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww

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  (541): at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww http://tfl.nu/qfxi
  Replies (108) Good night (1218) Bad night (32344)
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  (850): View more from Florida

  What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?

  (1-850): View more from Florida

  Her vagina devoured it.

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  (850): What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"? (1-850): Her vagina devoured it. http://tfl.nu/yu5p
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.

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  (410): When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand. http://tfl.nu/fda6
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.

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  (412): It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg. http://tfl.nu/82qd
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

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  (732): You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice http://tfl.nu/hsgc
  Replies (45) Good night (14681) Bad night (1682)
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.

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  (703): He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party. http://tfl.nu/xsn8
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms

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  (804): he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms http://tfl.nu/3xwg
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.

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  (609): they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate. http://tfl.nu/wnmg
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.

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  (630): Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened. http://tfl.nu/4exz
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD

  (206): View more from Washington

  Or, you could have used a condom

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  (808): Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD (206): Or, you could have used a condom http://tfl.nu/0l3i
  Replies (35) Good night (1027) Bad night (6695)
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo

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  (847): My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo http://tfl.nu/wnvu
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.

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  (815): I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on. http://tfl.nu/mukq
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  (760): View more from California

  I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.

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  (760): I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation. http://tfl.nu/wrn9
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.

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  (802): She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there. http://tfl.nu/44mo
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.

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  (203): She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level. http://tfl.nu/viu0
  Replies (15) Good night (5087) Bad night (823)
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  (850): View more from Florida

  He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"

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  (850): He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day" http://tfl.nu/t1df
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.

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  (610): Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card. http://tfl.nu/uepf
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  (707): View more from California

  And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.

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  (707): And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope. http://tfl.nu/sve4
  Replies (13) Good night (1251) Bad night (3948)
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.

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  (504): ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town. http://tfl.nu/omo7
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy

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  (517): These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy http://tfl.nu/omc1
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  (510): View more from California

  he said he didn't have a condom.

  (415): View more from California

  and you said?

  (510): View more from California

  that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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  (510): he said he didn't have a condom. (415): and you said? (510): that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that. http://tfl.nu/4u76
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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  (919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog. http://tfl.nu/73qd
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