I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
dude i'm inner monologue high
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?