Texts From Last Night

ganjainmybrain's Favorites Texts:

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  (716): View more from New York

  I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.

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  (716): I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad. http://tfl.nu/kobd
  Replies (15) Good night (1417) Bad night (2319) Order T-Shirt
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  (727): View more from Florida

  There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"

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  (727): There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000" http://tfl.nu/9a0a
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.

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  (978): your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop. http://tfl.nu/x1i9
  Replies (12) Good night (5218) Bad night (821)
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad

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  (214): I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad http://tfl.nu/x185
  Replies (15) Good night (985) Bad night (4000) Order T-Shirt
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  (631): View more from New York

  My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.

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  (631): My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you. http://tfl.nu/4nkq
  Replies (7) Good night (5207) Bad night (898) Order T-Shirt
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"

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  (613): I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!" http://tfl.nu/plpd
  Replies (11) Good night (5214) Bad night (1073) Order T-Shirt
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.

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  (910): Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up. http://tfl.nu/oxuw
  Replies (26) Good night (7902) Bad night (1137)
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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  (864): So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life" http://tfl.nu/u5wp
  Replies (175) Good night (51699) Bad night (5694)
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  So you're taking me there this weekend?

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.

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  (508): Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu (781): So you're taking me there this weekend? (508): oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food. http://tfl.nu/y6ju
  Replies (35) Good night (7348) Bad night (873)
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  (418): View more from Quebec

  I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate

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  (418): I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate http://tfl.nu/4k8x
  Replies (5) Good night (1443) Bad night (474) Order T-Shirt
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester

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  (724): yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester http://tfl.nu/0tku
  Replies (20) Good night (4358) Bad night (2346) Order T-Shirt
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes

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  (260): Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes http://tfl.nu/dtzq
  Replies (47) Good night (3980) Bad night (1506) Order T-Shirt
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.

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  (630): We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas. http://tfl.nu/1h9b
  Replies (14) Good night (5840) Bad night (976) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me

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  (847): as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me http://tfl.nu/nasi
  Replies (23) Good night (6001) Bad night (1544) Order T-Shirt
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  (817): View more from Texas

  i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.

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  (817): i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby. http://tfl.nu/i81q
  Replies (101) Good night (5588) Bad night (1587) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)

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  (703): i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;) http://tfl.nu/0lh6
  Replies (21) Good night (1878) Bad night (434) Order T-Shirt
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.

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  (605): We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink. http://tfl.nu/ugbw
  Replies (60) Good night (13708) Bad night (736) Order T-Shirt
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  (858): View more from California

  When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass

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  (858): When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass http://tfl.nu/zzr1
  Replies (19) Good night (3089) Bad night (635) Order T-Shirt
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.

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  (571): she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant. http://tfl.nu/awg1
  Replies (8) Good night (4055) Bad night (810) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.

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  (303): I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight. http://tfl.nu/0aby
  Replies (18) Good night (3699) Bad night (731) Order T-Shirt
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

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  (301): Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort. http://tfl.nu/ivbh
  Replies (71) Good night (19593) Bad night (1799) Order T-Shirt
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

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  (937): There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich. http://tfl.nu/hmr5
  Replies (28) Good night (16333) Bad night (1213) Order T-Shirt
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy

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  (803): I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy http://tfl.nu/msis
  Replies (76) Good night (6296) Bad night (528) Order T-Shirt
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?

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  (636): hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls? http://tfl.nu/dqbw
  Replies (17) Good night (4961) Bad night (851) Order T-Shirt
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.

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  (913): You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion. http://tfl.nu/50jg
  Replies (86) Good night (3210) Bad night (547) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.

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  (914): Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary. http://tfl.nu/8dm9
  Replies (44) Good night (5293) Bad night (731) Order T-Shirt
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  (331): View more from Illinois

  You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.

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  (331): You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open. http://tfl.nu/k0dm
  Replies (13) Good night (5247) Bad night (1019) Order T-Shirt
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.

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  (765): just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away. http://tfl.nu/4aee
  Replies (25) Good night (1517) Bad night (627) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.

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  (603): You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time. http://tfl.nu/k6f1
  Replies (22) Good night (4360) Bad night (799) Order T-Shirt
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

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  (413): I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic. http://tfl.nu/sxvb
  Replies (80) Good night (30857) Bad night (929) Order T-Shirt
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.

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  (712): Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk. http://tfl.nu/ntux
  Replies (11) Good night (3548) Bad night (687) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.

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  (603): you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics. http://tfl.nu/re5j
  Replies (21) Good night (8013) Bad night (578) Order T-Shirt
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

  (1-205): View more from Alabama

  You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

  (205): View more from Alabama

  This explains so much.

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  (205): Why are my keys in the refrigerator? (1-205): You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you. (205): This explains so much. http://tfl.nu/ouwy
  Replies (30) Good night (17904) Bad night (890)
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo

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  (978): so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo http://tfl.nu/rg6x
  Replies (36) Good night (5916) Bad night (1036) Order T-Shirt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.

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  (407): this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god. http://tfl.nu/34d8
  Replies (65) Good night (13421) Bad night (690) Order T-Shirt
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  (909): View more from California

  dude i'm inner monologue high

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  (909): dude i'm inner monologue high http://tfl.nu/4ebt
  Replies (21) Good night (4093) Bad night (497) Order T-Shirt
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  (661): View more from California

  Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

  (1-661): View more from California

  What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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  (661): Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up. (1-661): What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how" http://tfl.nu/sghh
  Replies (50) Good night (29878) Bad night (1109)
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.

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  (703): I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts. http://tfl.nu/s7w5
  Replies (12) Good night (537) Bad night (1144) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!

  (1-310): View more from California

  you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?

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  (310): thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee! (1-310): you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right? http://tfl.nu/vyk6
  Replies (30) Good night (11606) Bad night (1075) Order T-Shirt
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.

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  (757): He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish. http://tfl.nu/lwox
  Replies (42) Good night (19859) Bad night (967) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty

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  (732): please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty http://tfl.nu/l1xo
  Replies (31) Good night (984) Bad night (3859) Order T-Shirt
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.

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  (724): so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca. (412): That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia. http://tfl.nu/lbkk
  Replies (84) Good night (2482) Bad night (725)
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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  (401): Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.' http://tfl.nu/mde3
  Replies (248) Good night (66718) Bad night (3006) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face

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  (516): There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face http://tfl.nu/9y4h
  Replies (55) Good night (21364) Bad night (1236) Order T-Shirt
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed

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  (630): slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed http://tfl.nu/wcfq
  Replies (26) Good night (4195) Bad night (1085) Order T-Shirt
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.

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  (201): It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling. http://tfl.nu/90ol
  Replies (16) Good night (7087) Bad night (801) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar

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  (917): you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar http://tfl.nu/kodl
  Replies (29) Good night (6939) Bad night (621) Order T-Shirt
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.

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  (337): I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed. http://tfl.nu/us0c
  Replies (59) Good night (1846) Bad night (3516) Order T-Shirt
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  (386): View more from Florida

  after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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  (386): after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time. http://tfl.nu/767v
  Replies (59) Good night (35511) Bad night (963)
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  (518): View more from New York

  September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location

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  (518): September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location http://tfl.nu/jdkq
  Replies (16) Good night (9247) Bad night (1027) Order T-Shirt
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  (408): View more from California

  When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.

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  (408): When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus. http://tfl.nu/kpmf
  Replies (26) Good night (8886) Bad night (635) Order T-Shirt
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.

  (410): View more from Maryland

  engineering majors are such efficient drunks.

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  (717): he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell. (410): engineering majors are such efficient drunks. http://tfl.nu/xm4l
  Replies (22) Good night (8106) Bad night (843)
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first

  (206): View more from Washington

  You are the luckiest man alive

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  (801): Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first (206): You are the luckiest man alive http://tfl.nu/uh0h
  Replies (16) Good night (10442) Bad night (1300)
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  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car

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  (339): Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car http://tfl.nu/oon7
  Replies (29) Good night (4557) Bad night (643) Order T-Shirt
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

  (1-256): View more from Alabama

  dude how high are you right now?

  (256): View more from Alabama

  do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

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  (256): i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground. (1-256): dude how high are you right now? (256): do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves. http://tfl.nu/7ihc
  Replies (40) Good night (11522) Bad night (1107)
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper

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  (803): we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper http://tfl.nu/mqbh
  Replies (13) Good night (5398) Bad night (1804)
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.

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  (618): i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette. http://tfl.nu/cqrz
  Replies (38) Good night (1303) Bad night (7131) Order T-Shirt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"

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  (513): hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it" http://tfl.nu/04ug
  Replies (4) Good night (5368) Bad night (780)
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark

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  (484): He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark http://tfl.nu/z2dx
  Replies (27) Good night (6938) Bad night (569) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi

  (214): View more from Texas

  ok, stay where you are, be there soon

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  (508): hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi (214): ok, stay where you are, be there soon http://tfl.nu/1y99
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  (325): View more from Texas

  I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka

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  (325): I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka http://tfl.nu/q9is
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.

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  (612): hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted. http://tfl.nu/g5t8
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"

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  (720): There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!" http://tfl.nu/c7ck
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."

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  (248): Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth." http://tfl.nu/c9w9
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.

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  (306): They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties. http://tfl.nu/2id3
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"

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  (773): you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE" http://tfl.nu/hmmg
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests

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  (973): Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests http://tfl.nu/b1y9
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.

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  (703): Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk. http://tfl.nu/el36
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  (425): View more from Washington

  He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.

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  (425): He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party. http://tfl.nu/pnyn
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"

  (1-205): View more from Alabama

  if you ask that question again our friendship is over

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  (205): i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high" (1-205): if you ask that question again our friendship is over http://tfl.nu/wy8m
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?

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  (410): I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever? http://tfl.nu/67g4
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