Texts From Last Night

dressedinblack's Favorites Texts:

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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.

  (763): View more from Minnesota

  I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.

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  (763): Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up. (763): I just baked them cookies. We're friends now. http://tfl.nu/27t6
  Replies (10) Good night (2498) Bad night (483)
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  "Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?

  (770): View more from Georgia

  Nope, his last birthday was.

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  (910): "Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right? (770): Nope, his last birthday was. http://tfl.nu/dk94
  Replies (5) Good night (1933) Bad night (477)
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  (713): View more from Texas

  We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.

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  (713): We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning. http://tfl.nu/f21r
  Replies (2) Good night (2083) Bad night (445) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I could have done it in 2

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  (917): Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts. (978): I could have done it in 2 http://tfl.nu/64hz
  Replies (7) Good night (3059) Bad night (476)
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  (646): View more from New York

  HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.

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  (646): HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS. http://tfl.nu/gw0q
  Replies (21) Good night (3069) Bad night (648) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Career choice validated

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  (732): Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!" (732): Career choice validated http://tfl.nu/g765
  Replies (51) Good night (9284) Bad night (857)
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  (510): View more from California

  I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear

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  (510): I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear http://tfl.nu/ry3a
  Replies (9) Good night (2092) Bad night (720) Order T-Shirt
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.

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  (515): He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend. http://tfl.nu/m6dn
  Replies (10) Good night (2793) Bad night (636)
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.

  (1-304): View more from West Virginia

  Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.

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  (304): I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us. (1-304): Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat? (304): No there was a goat. I gave it a donut. http://tfl.nu/bds8
  Replies (15) Good night (6259) Bad night (764)
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on

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  (506): Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on http://tfl.nu/ntvw
  Replies (8) Good night (5524) Bad night (610) Order T-Shirt
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.

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  (269): I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away. http://tfl.nu/ufa3
  Replies (10) Good night (4825) Bad night (637) Order T-Shirt
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..

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  (910): I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks.. http://tfl.nu/st44
  Replies (7) Good night (1710) Bad night (628)
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"

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  (218): you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen" http://tfl.nu/038r
  Replies (8) Good night (2601) Bad night (708) Order T-Shirt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?

  (614): View more from Ohio

  I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?

  (330): View more from Ohio

  I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.

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  (330): Want me to give your number to an army recruiter? (614): I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist? (330): I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us. http://tfl.nu/ti2n
  Replies (6) Good night (3288) Bad night (549)
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.

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  (651): I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his. http://tfl.nu/2lgm
  Replies (15) Good night (2374) Bad night (636) Order T-Shirt
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.

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  (570): I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT. http://tfl.nu/iw7k
  Replies (5) Good night (2163) Bad night (523) Order T-Shirt
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child

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  (207): Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child http://tfl.nu/qzf1
  Replies (4) Good night (2701) Bad night (565) Order T-Shirt
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.

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  (623): As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know. http://tfl.nu/mc6n
  Replies (8) Good night (2315) Bad night (806) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?

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  (845): It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship? http://tfl.nu/kgkd
  Replies (5) Good night (1124) Bad night (483) Order T-Shirt
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.

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  (740): If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure. http://tfl.nu/7lqe
  Replies (5) Good night (1820) Bad night (920) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS

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  (603): ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS http://tfl.nu/rbdc
  Replies (12) Good night (1737) Bad night (749) Order T-Shirt
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.

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  (520): There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this. http://tfl.nu/ttw7
  Replies (3) Good night (1347) Bad night (685) Order T-Shirt
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!

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  (862): I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands! http://tfl.nu/blis
  Replies (33) Good night (6160) Bad night (1094)
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  (830): View more from Texas

  I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.

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  (830): I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won. http://tfl.nu/nmjn
  Replies (20) Good night (2986) Bad night (1127) Order T-Shirt
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?

  (408): View more from California

  JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.

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  (902): Is this a genuine concern or are you just high? (408): JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN. http://tfl.nu/lbkb
  Replies (5) Good night (3682) Bad night (616)
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.

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  (843): Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call. http://tfl.nu/3web
  Replies (69) Good night (5484) Bad night (978)
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass

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  (412): just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass http://tfl.nu/r852
  Replies (3) Good night (3263) Bad night (817) Order T-Shirt
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  (207): View more from Maine

  DRUNK CANOEING

  (804): View more from Virginia

  Please text me if you survive.

  (207): View more from Maine

  LAND HO BITCH

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  (207): DRUNK CANOEING (804): Please text me if you survive. (207): LAND HO BITCH http://tfl.nu/6y3l
  Replies (27) Good night (9981) Bad night (748)
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.

  (410): View more from Maryland

  Sounds like a normal friday night

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  (443): Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan. (410): Sounds like a normal friday night http://tfl.nu/c2vx
  Replies (2) Good night (1918) Bad night (793)
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  (805): View more from California

  I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.

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  (805): I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins. http://tfl.nu/apj9
  Replies (4) Good night (2896) Bad night (1453) Order T-Shirt
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.

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  (604): There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop. http://tfl.nu/phgu
  Replies (7) Good night (2512) Bad night (963) Order T-Shirt
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  (731): View more from Tennessee

  He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties

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  (731): He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties http://tfl.nu/51c2
  Replies (5) Good night (2849) Bad night (550) Order T-Shirt
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".

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  (785): Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur". http://tfl.nu/3gb4
  Replies (8) Good night (2348) Bad night (755) Order T-Shirt
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.

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  (715): Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober. http://tfl.nu/abtg
  Replies (2) Good night (3355) Bad night (817)
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....

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  (865): got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter.... http://tfl.nu/ne6c
  Replies (9) Good night (3244) Bad night (852) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.

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  (847): Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too. http://tfl.nu/lfcy
  Replies (6) Good night (3507) Bad night (779) Order T-Shirt
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  (281): View more from Texas

  She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out

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  (281): She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out http://tfl.nu/guh4
  Replies (33) Good night (10954) Bad night (990) Order T-Shirt
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.

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  (620): You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on. http://tfl.nu/djzq
  Replies (10) Good night (3548) Bad night (748) Order T-Shirt
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?

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  (540): is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious? http://tfl.nu/lq7k
  Replies (7) Good night (5076) Bad night (898) Order T-Shirt
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.

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  (228): you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out. http://tfl.nu/9xp5
  Replies (19) Good night (3682) Bad night (1265) Order T-Shirt
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  (716): View more from New York

  Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases

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  (716): Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases http://tfl.nu/lpic
  Replies (14) Good night (4984) Bad night (1082)
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic

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  (765): Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic http://tfl.nu/acyn
  Replies (6) Good night (4789) Bad night (680) Order T-Shirt
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok

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  (785): Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok http://tfl.nu/c6qb
  Replies (7) Good night (3013) Bad night (672)
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake

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  (405): He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake http://tfl.nu/082h
  Replies (6) Good night (3029) Bad night (763) Order T-Shirt
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  (360): View more from Washington

  True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?

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  (360): True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not? http://tfl.nu/5au2
  Replies (4) Good night (2087) Bad night (868) Order T-Shirt
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  (415): View more from California

  When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"

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  (415): When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping" http://tfl.nu/vogg
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him

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  (724): yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him http://tfl.nu/kgpr
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.

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  (917): Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us. http://tfl.nu/44xm
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.

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  (416): We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water. http://tfl.nu/lb4i
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.

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  (620): Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed. http://tfl.nu/m5ja
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina

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  (636): she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina http://tfl.nu/0ynp
  Replies (23) Good night (7161) Bad night (803) Order T-Shirt
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was

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  (201): at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was http://tfl.nu/89k6
  Replies (21) Good night (3198) Bad night (1086) Order T-Shirt
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  (727): View more from Florida

  when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.

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  (727): when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test. http://tfl.nu/l54a
  Replies (6) Good night (3190) Bad night (807) Order T-Shirt
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  (925): View more from California

  She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.

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  (925): She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard. http://tfl.nu/tszy
  Replies (17) Good night (4210) Bad night (813) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative

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  (603): No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative http://tfl.nu/aljj
  Replies (6) Good night (5274) Bad night (899)
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  (786): View more from Florida

  you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you

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  (786): you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you http://tfl.nu/pl4e
  Replies (2) Good night (3026) Bad night (765) Order T-Shirt
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  (253): View more from Washington

  We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.

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  (253): We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up. http://tfl.nu/4lr7
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out

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  (705): I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out http://tfl.nu/lvnp
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  (805): View more from California

  I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed

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  (805): I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed http://tfl.nu/07h0
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.

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  (989): I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis. http://tfl.nu/oi4a
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  professor came back from spring break missing a tooth

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  (651): professor came back from spring break missing a tooth http://tfl.nu/mzcn
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.

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  (732): You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you. http://tfl.nu/wi1w
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.

  (440): View more from Ohio

  anything for my little brother.

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  (440): thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet. (440): anything for my little brother. http://tfl.nu/0dq6
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  (727): View more from Florida

  I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.

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  (727): I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due. http://tfl.nu/nv78
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"

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  (856): When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one" http://tfl.nu/6em2
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed

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  (704): dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed http://tfl.nu/q2zi
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.

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  (815): Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool. http://tfl.nu/9aum
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  (315): View more from New York

  Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.

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  (315): Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes. http://tfl.nu/lvfu
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  (954): View more from Florida

  Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children

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  (954): Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children http://tfl.nu/fl6q
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  they're like a gay fantastic four

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  (204): they're like a gay fantastic four http://tfl.nu/6w8u
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again

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  (816): Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again http://tfl.nu/gicy
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.

  (1-405): View more from Oklahoma

  well now I have to

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  (405): I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home. (1-405): well now I have to http://tfl.nu/4hfb
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question

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  (303): No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question http://tfl.nu/r4al
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.

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  (541): he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'. http://tfl.nu/j3su
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning

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  (780): downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning http://tfl.nu/3yhr
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.

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  (225): Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe. http://tfl.nu/nl8k
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.

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  (520): normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees. http://tfl.nu/d0ki
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  (406): View more from Montana

  i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.

  (1-406): View more from Montana

  haha i know

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  (406): i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt. (1-406): haha i know http://tfl.nu/vo1w
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