she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.