She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
My first STD was from a foam party
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I have surprise drugs for everyone
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again