hell yes lets make some ravioli
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
